Your Words MATTER

Two days ago my sweet little grandbaby, GLORY, spent some time with me while her mommy ran errands and her daddy was at work.  We took a nature walk, sang some songs, exercised her arms and legs and worked through a crying spell and nap.

Today, I held the hands of a 100+ year old man as he transitioned from this life to the next.  I sat quietly beside him trying to anticipate what he might need. He slept, mostly and took a couple of spoons full of water.

Two opposite stages: one joyful, the other sobering but also good for he has lived well.

My little baby’s hands are chubby and her skin is perfect, her little fingers reach for everything in sight.

My friend’s hands are worn and his fingers are long and thin. He no longer reaches. His caregivers do everything for him like we do for Glory- only she is progressing each week in her ability to do new things. He has regressed.

My little baby has chunky little legs and giggles and laughs when we do funny things with her. The whole world awaits her.

My friend is thin and his cheeks are gaunt. He communicates very little. He is ready to go.

Thus is the ebb and flow of life. Sharp contrasts.

As his caregivers were carefully bathing his thin tired body this morning, I reminded them of this:  ‘Don’t ever diminish the importance of your job. You may be giving one of your patients the last bath they will ever have. You may speak the last kind word they will ever hear.’

They thanked me for those words and moved on to the next room to do the same thing again, again and again….

Much to my surprise, just over an hour later, my friend took his last breath. It was peaceful and calm. Those sweet young women HAD given HIM his last bath. I spoke the last words of encouragement over him. What a privilege. What a prophecy. I had no idea what I was really saying.

Young moms, dads and families:  practice saying encouraging words to each other now and gear up for years of saying encouraging words of blessing to your children (and your spouse!!).  I don’t mean to give them underserved praise. Kids today get way too much of that. What I am suggesting is that you speak words of blessing over them. For example:  “I like the way you spoke to your brother today”,  “You are a happy boy/girl”, “You have so much to offer others”,  if you are a person of faith “Jesus loves YOU”, “You are so good at  obedience!”,

“Who knows what great things lie ahead in your life!” and on and on.

When you think of words of encouragement, write them down and repeat them. Sometimes we just forget what we’re supposed to be doing when we are parents.

I’ve heard some young moms say things like “You are SO bad” to a toddler at the grocery. I think they really mean that this boy is tough and strong but I fear that someday he may act on that and the prophecy might become a truth. What may seem like little words are really VERY BIG WORDS.

I still believe that my words have hurt others over the years much more than my actions. I just never had the courage to beat somebody up but I could use my words when I wanted to! And it’s really hard to take them back. Once they are out there, they are gone and all the apologies you can muster don’t take the words away. So choose them carefully. And don’t use them too often. A long lecture really is a great form of torture, but may not be helpful, encouraging or the right road to our goal. Be direct and kind when you discipline and expect your child/ren to obey you. And, they probably will.(more on this thought later)

Carpe diem, seize the day! And seize the opportunity to use words of encouragement.

Baby Birthday Tradition

When I was a young Mom, I loved setting up a little photo shoot each month to celebrate the birthday of each of my babies. It was a year long celebration of life and growth!

Glory's first month birthday picture with Bear.

The technology may not have been as advanced and my photography skills less than professional, but to this day I cherish these images and the stories they tell. The changes in hair texture; bright eyes deepening from blues to greens; facial expressions growing more defined; and of course, tummy circumference fluctuating as one little onesie after another grew too tight! These pictures tell the story of my children and the first pages of their lives–a story that continues unfolding into something beautiful day by day, years later.

Now my first grand-daughter, Glory, undergoes the same birthday photo shoot every month. And every month we get to reflect on the little changes and victories that happen as a baby grows into an individual with God-given potential, unique gifts and special purpose.

Moms, the future is bright!

Your Sweetie

I’m writing this blog today from the 6th floor of a hotel in Florida overlooking a beautiful bay.  My husband is attending a medical conference and I am being supportive by joining him in this lovely place.

I’ve had many moments to relax and rejuvenate, many more than he has since he goes to classes every morning.  In the afternoon we set out on long walks to discover a little more about the area around us.  We eat in a restaurant he’s read about or sip coffee (he does-I sip milk) in sidewalk cafes and eat whatever sounds good to us for a snack. Yesterday, he had a cannoli and I had a chocolate eclair.

My sweetie and I joined the ridiculous "planking" craze at the beach last year.

When our 4 children were young, I didn’t have this same kind of  blessing-time to myself, to read, walk, take naps anytime I wanted, invest in Bible study time and to reconnect with my husband.  Those were busier days, filled with more joy  and activity than I can recount here today.  There were also trying, tiring, confusing and overwhelming days too.  But, looking back, they flew by and now all my little birds have flown away and left us with an empty nest.  (Which we thoroughly enjoy, by the way!)

So, what’s my point?  Invest in your ‘pre-baby’ relationship now.  Take walks, enjoy quiet moments together, work on your relationship in ways that will be a little more challenging once your sweet baby arrives.  Turn off the television, (consider giving it up altogether?  except for ballgames, of course!!), dream aloud those dreams you may hold in your heart and brainstorm about ways to help them come true.   Talk about things you might like to do when you’re no longer in the throes of childrearing.  No, there’s nothing like the joy of raising a family together, but deepening your commitment now will pay big dividends not just while raising your family, but even after the ‘little birds have flown away’.

Remember, those of you who are married: you are already a family even before your sweet baby joins you.  Cultivate that relationship and water it daily, keep it at the center of your family as it grows and you will reap many rewards throughout your life.  And, that’s a promise.

Here’s to walking on the beach with your sweetie,

Donna

Preparing for Delivery Number Two or Three or Six…

Many people think that after they’ve had a baby, they have no further need for any kind of childbirth education or ‘refresher’ classes.

Off and on for years, I have taught 2nd time parent classes and here’s why I think they’re so valuable:

•  Many times the families did not have the kind of delivery they might have hoped for the first time around.  Because a first time labor is longer than successive ones, moms are more likely to use interventions and medications with the first babies.  A refresher class can help mom rethink some strategies for a more ‘natural’ labor the second time around.
• Some things are very different with 2nd or 3rd pregnancies and labors. For one thing, these labors tend to be shorter and most babies don’t ‘drop’ or descend into the pelvis prior to labor like first babies do. The ‘afterbirth’ pains that come with successive deliveries tend to be  much stronger.  As we’ve always said, knowing what’s coming and being informed about labor and delivery and the postpartum time make for not only a better experience, but also a better outcome.  Preparation is a very good thing!
• Some families like the idea of preparing their other children for the birth and mom’s hospitalization ahead of time.  Many hospitals offer tours and sibling classes for families having more children and that may relieve the anxiety the older child(ren) has/have prior to their sibling’s birth.
• A review of the anatomy and physiology of the pregnant woman can be a big help as she develops various aches and pains during pregnancy.  Many helpful tools and exercises are available as a pregnant woman grows and these can be addressed in ‘refresher’ classes.
• Second time around parents may feel more empowered to advocate for themselves than they were before. Reminding them of options they have-and interventions they may be offered-are helpful as they plan for their newest arrival.
• And finally, most people may have forgotten the importance of productive labor positions, the need to use gravity when in labor and how helpful relaxation breathing and focusing techniques can be during labor. Attending another class in person or via DVD may address all of these needs.

donna

Labor Coach Basics

A lot of coaches/significant others/moms/husbands that come to my classes really long to be helpful and supportive when their wife/friend/daughter is in labor.

A labor coach helps Mom before, during, and after labor!

But, they wonder, ‘what should I do? How can I really be helpful?’

Here are a few tips:

•  Use kind and gentle, reassuring words, even when she may not be!
•  Touch her when she wants you to-try massage, brush her hair, rub her legs and feet, hold her hand.  This reassurance can be invaluable!
•  Encourage her to take one contraction at a time, remembering that each contraction brings you both closer to welcoming your baby into the world.
•  Keep loud distractions and noise to a minimum.  Help provide relaxing surroundings and a calm atmosphere.  You  might want to dim the lights and play comforting music.
• Tell her she is doing a really good job…labor is more like a marathon than a sprint and encouraging words from the ‘sidelines’ (just like in a race!) are so helpful.
• BE THERE and reassure her that you will support her all the way through her labor experience.  Focus on her needs and try to anticipate what she might want/need next.
• If she’s a prayerful person, pray with and for her and the baby.
• ASK her what she needs/wants…fluff her pillows, help her change positions, wipe her brow and neck with a cool cloth, offer ice chips or something to drink as allowed, walk with her, ‘dance’ with her, help get her into productive labor positions.  Encourage her to do relaxation breathing during her contractions.
• And remember, you cannot take her labor away nor do it for her. BUT you can be her advocate and support through this strenuous time.

It really helps to prepare yourself as coach/support person ahead of time, knowing what to expect and what’s coming next. Read, watch dvds, talk to other expectant parents and communicate with the future mom about ways to support her when the big day comes.

Until then, best wishes to all!

donna

Who did you choose to be your labor coach and why?

Find the Right Tools to Educate Yourself Before Delivery

Research has shown for years that families who are educated about the labor and delivery process often have a better labor experience AND a better outcome.  Knowledge is a terrific tool!

Our Get Ready for Birth DVD  is all about educating parents about the process of childbirth.  We share useful and accurate information about the multitude of options and interventions that moms and families have in the childbirth arena today.  We talk about the benefits and difficulties of NOT using medications and also about why many women choose medications.  We demonstrate productive labor positions (think: GRAVITY) and relaxing breathing techniques that might help a mom work her way through the laboring process.   We discuss complications and problems that can arise and how to cope with them.  We talk about what happens after the baby’s birth and during your hospital stay.

I’m often surprised by how many women (and men!) research so many areas of their lives, read up on which car, refrigerator, vacuum  cleaner,  vacation spots, or computers are the best, etc. but so FEW actually educate themselves about bringing their baby into the world.

Instead of showing the actual birth of a baby, our Get Ready for Birth DVD gives all the background information a family needs on getting the baby here.  There are countless live birth videos available today on the internet and, of course, Baby Story on television.  Birth videos and DVDs are available from many local libraries.  I encourage you to check them out for yourselves. But remember, every birth is different and nothing you actually see will match your individual experience.  I do, however, strongly encourage you to inform yourself.

Communicate clearly with and ask questions of  your health care provider  Read good books about childbirth (I often review books on this site).  Watch a dvd or attend a reputable class that provides accurate information about what you can expect during labor and delivery.    Learn to work WITH your body’s signals and cues, not against them. Childbirth is a natural process, not an illness or condition and, trust me,  you will be glad you studied and prepared when it’s time to deliver.

And, finally, enjoy this time of preparation and pregnancy. Take good care of your body.  Enjoy walks, smelling the flowers along the way and dreaming
of the day you’ll hold your sweet baby in your arms. Pregnancy really is one of the only times you get to assist with ‘miracle
making.’

Until next time,
Donna

Lamaze Care Practice #3: Continuous Labor Support

As I’ve looked back over past posts, I realized I stopped in the middle of the ’6 Care Practices that Support Normal Birth’  from the Lamaze Institute while being deterred by my doula thoughts.  So, I want to finish up these initiatives because I really believe they are important to almost any woman’s labor and delivery experience.

To re-cap (and you can read the entire notes on previous postings) they are as follows:

•  Labor Begins on Its Own
•  Freedom of Movement Throughout Labor

And now the third one: Continuous Labor Support

One of the most supportive coaches I’ve taught! Shortly after the birth of his first son 1/18/2012

A woman needs a supportive person with her throughout her labor.  This person needs to be sensitive, helpful, and able to provide both emotional and physical support. This person needs to  know when to be quiet, when to impart ideas and suggestions and when to remind you of goals you may have put into your birth plan (we’ll discuss the Birth Plan in an upcoming post).  As discussed in the previous post, a doula might be the person to fit this description.  Some women invite their mothers, sisters or a special friend to join them along with her husband.  Other women want this important time to be just for her and her husband or partner to share.

Lamaze.org, states that if a woman has continuous support in labor, she is more likely to have a vaginal birth (instead of a Cesarean), less likely to use pain medication and less likely to have negative feelings about her birth.  Support is important!

In past times, a woman’s doctor or midwife or even her nurse, attended her labor and birth.  Occasionally today, that still happens. But for the most part, hospital policies don’t allow the staff to be confined to one person’s labor, especially if it is lengthy.  And, typically a woman doesn’t have the kind of relationship with these people that she has with a close friend of family member.

So, begin seeking that person or those people who are willing to attend your birth and who you see as helpful, kind people.  Encourage them to take classes or view educational DVD’s with you. Read books together.  Talk with them about your goals/dreams for childbirth and help them understand how they can be a part of those dreams. They may want to give you gentle massages while you practice your rhythmic breathing and ‘pretend’ to have a contraction.  Discuss with them comfort techniques and strategies that you might enjoy when you are uncomfortable with your labor.  If you’d like, interview doulas in your area and find out if their services and support might be right for you and your labor partner.  Hopefully, you’ll have a lot of options so begin ‘interviewing’ your support team now so you’ll be ready for the big day!

Until then, take walks, educate yourself and continue the marvelous process of growing your baby…

-Donna

Doula Training With Some Lovely Ladies

I had a great time at doula training with, among others, Valerie Eades, my friend since childhood.

I recently attended doula training in Birmingham, Alabama surrounded by one of the most talented and motivated groups of young women I’ve ever seen. Most of the participants hope to start a small doula practice in the Birmingham area once they gain their certification. Not all doulas are ‘certified’, in fact certification is not required by any type of governing board, but training as a doula would certainly be helpful. A few of us were from other places besides Birmingham and we even had one nurse attend from Australia! (BTW, natural/unmedicated childbirth is the NORM there, not the exception, so hearing about some of OUR birthing interventions was a bit of a shock for our fellow doula!)

The 3 day training program consisted of both a breastfeeding module as well as the doula module, which might be subtitled: ‘How to gently and quietly support a woman and her family as they complete the labor and delivery process.’ The doula doesn’t replace the dad or grandmother or other support person/people, but rather supports all of them and offers helpful suggestions and strategies that might facilitate labor. She offers general massage techniques, productive labor position ideas, gently reminds the mom of her goals and dreams when mom gets too tired or worn out to remember them, and helps ‘mother’ the laboring woman.

The doula does NOT try to take over a woman’s labor, intervene with the hospital or birthing center staff or make decisions for the laboring mom. Her role is to support and encourage.

Doulas have been around for generations but somehow, we in America lost our confidence to give birth naturally as well as the ability to hand down helpful tools to help laboring women who come after us. So, the resurgence of the doula movement will certainly enhance a mom’s overall labor experience and outcome, and may just be the extra tool that will help a laboring woman have the kind of labor and delivery experience that not only fulfills her dreams but also make a good memory. Whether they want to or not, the majority of women will always remember the births of their babies. Childbirth is one of the most important and pivotal experiences in their lives and they tend to remember many details for years to come.

I so want to help make those memories as pleasant and uplifting as possible.

Perhaps enlisting the services of a doula could help many of our readers reach the goals they’ve set for their labor and delivery, always keeping in mind the ultimate goals of: healthy mom, healthy baby and healthy family.

I hope you have some measure of joy today knowing that you are doing your best to grow a healthy baby…

A Gentle Coach

Nate acts as a supportive labor coach for Amy.

This is a picture of “Amy” and “Nate”. They are a great couple who are so excited about the upcoming birth of their first child. they came to my home for childbirth classes and are contemplating having a non-medicated (‘natural’) birth. One of Amy’s greatest strengths, other than determination and education, will be Nate, her coach/labor helper. He is very supportive and helpful. He says encouraging words to her and tells her she’s doing a great job when she’s practicing her breathing techniques and productive labor positions. He observes her closely for signs of tension and fear and helps alleviate them with gentle touch massage and encouragement. I recently read a book by Dr. Lamaze, a forerunner of and advocate for the natural childbirth movement, who cites 4 essential qualities of a laboring woman’s support person:

 

*her support person needs to exhibit gentle behavior and tone of voice
*her support person needs to use kind actions
*her support person needs to show understanding to her, which brings one nearer the woman
*her support person needs to be calm, which does away with impatience

 

Though Dr. Lamaze’s book was written many years ago, these teachings are timeless. A calm and safe environment where gentleness and kindness reign can give a laboring woman just what she needs to focus on the task before her: working with her body to deliver her baby with minimal intervention.

 

That’s what I wish for you today: that you the reader, will be preparing for your baby’s entrance to our world with one or more supportive people who will provide you with the love and encouragement you need to get off to a great start with your new family member.

Here’s to growing a healthy baby!

Sometimes Questions Can Be a Very Good Thing

Greetings mothers and fathers to be!!

The title of this post comes from a strong sense that we as women say very little about how our birthing experiences might be handled. I am blessed to hear a lot of birth stories from many different kinds of people who desired unmedicated childbirth, moms who sought to give birth in the comfort of their own home and, most commonly, from families who have a more ‘traditional’ American hospital birth. More and more often, I hear women express disappointment and regret that things didn’t go as they had hoped. While they may have hoped to ‘let nature take its course’ and work with their labors, once they got to the hospital setting, they became less apt to speak up about their hopes and desires and more likely to acquiesce to their nurses’ thoughts or to their medical care providers’ typical routines (i.e. the use of the medicine Pitocin which increases the strength of contractions, the breaking of the bag of waters, etc).

I encourage moms, dads and other support people to consider asking the following questions when offered various interventions that are common to hospital births today:

1. What is the medical reason for this intervention?
2. Are there any other ways to help start/increase labor besides inducing my labor with Pitocin?
3. May we delay Pitocin while I go for a walk and continue to change positions?
4. If we don’t use Pitocin, is their any risk for the baby or me if my labor is extended and allowed to progress naturally?
5. Since once my bag of water is broken the need for me to deliver sooner is increased, could we NOT break my water, but let it break naturally?

Finally, I encourage ALL pregnant women and families to become as educated as possible about the birth experience. It’s important to know how to use productive labor and gravity positions to facilitate labor and to learn relaxation and breathing techniques that help mom stay calm and focused during what could be a very long day. Whether you attend a community class in your hospital or birthing facility, read lots of books or watch a dvd or video (!), I urge you to become well informed about the labor and delivery process. You owe it to yourself to know what to expect and how best to address the offers for interventions that you may receive.

Having a plan, while still remaining flexible in case the unexpected occurs, goes a long way in giving you a labor experience that is both safe and healthy for you and your new baby. And at the end of the day, you will join the multitude of women who walk through labor allowing their bodies to guide them along.

More on this later. Until then, keep taking walks and naps and enjoying helping God make a miracle as your little one grows inside you.